“Yeah! Can you smell it in the air?
There is something brilliant approaching onto our patch encroaching
We´ll hand it over with a YEAH!
We´ll watch the fabric fold while our beauty you behoooooooooooooooold!”—Dananananaykroyd - Some Dresses
Today I went back to the hospital to help Adrienne with the Toy/Stuffed Stocking Collection. I felt like a Christmas elf! Each department brought multiple stockings for different age groups and specific families. It was so moving to see how much people donated even in this time of economic pressure.
My legs are aching and my feet are all blistered. I’m out of breath and sweating, but I’m glad I was able to be a part of this. I don’t think I will ever stop doing volunteer work. It’s so much a part of me and I can’t imagine myself not giving up some of my time and help to other people.
Damn it felt so fucking good to have time to go back to the gym. I’m not sure if it was all the anger and frustration that helped me but dude I ran for miles. Four miles to be exact. I totally could have gone on but it was late and I needed to get home in time to watch Craig Ferguson. haha.
I’m ready to be healthy-ish again. Also, it’s not like I want to be ultra skinny or anything but I just want to feel comfortable with my body again (not to mention fit into some of my dresses. sigh.)
Another good thing about tonight was that Fall Quarter grades were released and damn I feel fucking great. Straight A’s (except for an A- in my Plant Bio class). I’m not complaining (I mean I would have loved to get an A in Plant Bio). I’m just glad that my hard work does pay off.
I woke up multiple times this morning. Each time I turned to my side and checked FB, twitter, tumblr, and the time on my phone. Never got out of bed (well until now to get my laptop).
First, it was too cold (Southern California wise) to get out of bed. Second, I knew that if I got out of bed, I would just be sitting at my desk. Third, there’s no reason to leave the house. No plans. Just disappointment.
I hate that I’m way too busy during the quarter and then way too bored or upset during Winter Break. Looking back on Fall Quarter, even though I was really busy, I was at least happy in a way. I had people that wanted to see me and wanted to hang out. And we did get to hang out at least once a week or more. People followed through and made time for each other.
I just want to be appreciated.
And it’s not that I try to be the best kind of friend or person to someone because I want something done for me. I just do it because it’s nice to be nice. It’s nice to care and help others. It’s nice to be an emotional support for a friend. It’s nice to initiate conversations. It’s nice to be dependable. I never expect anything in return except just even the slightest reciprocation of respect and care.
Why do I even bother? I mean if I stop helping anyone or stop letting people just take advantage of me, they’ll just backlash, bitch, and complain: “Why the fuck are you being like that Jess? Why are you so mean?”
Really? I’m sorry that I help you plan everything so things would get done. I’m sorry that I helped you on your homework. I’m sorry that I stayed up for you. I’m sorry that I will be the one that cleans up after everyone leaves. I’m sorry that I cooked you dinner. I’m sorry that I let you mess up my room. I’m sorry that I care about you and I appreciate who you are enough to do all these things for you.
And this is not directed at one person. It’s directed to the many people in my life who only give a shit about me when it’s a convenience to them.